GIRL HATE: You Are Not in Competition, And You’re Missing Out

This article came to me by way of Lavanya, a lovely lady who is also dating the fella’ that gives my boyfriend the best haircuts. I’m so glad she dug this up because it’s something I think many of us can relate to (sadly). Sometimes we need to see something out of the context of ourselves to rewire our own thoughts and actions.

Have you ever disliked a girl for no actual fault of hers? Perhaps you didn’t even actually know her. Or know much about her. But you’ve concocted an idea in your head of why she is hate-worthy in order to boost your own confidence or self-esteem. Looking for validation – asking mutual friends about her, stalking her online (what’s up, facebook?), drawing conclusions about her as a person based on her looks or interests or gossip?

Have you ever been the victim of girl-hate? Have you ever gone about your life without any direct connection to someone only to find she has talked down on you, rallied friends and family to do the same, all because something about you threatens her and emphasizes her insecurities? 

Most of us can agree we’ve been on both sides. And all it’s done is wasted our time that could have been spent shining our own lights and living our own dreams. Ironically, it seems that this happens most between two people who, upon getting a chance to actually know one another, would get along and perhaps flourish a friendship.

This is an article on a website meant to empower teenage girls, but damn, we can all take a lesson.



“…it’s hating someone because we’re told that, as girls, we should hate other girls who are as awesome as or more awesome than ourselves.”

“You probably feel a little threatened by her because you two are so similar, but you’re afraid she’s an even better version of you.”

“Look: confidence is not a crime. It does not mean a girl is a bitch or a slut, or thinks she’s better than you. It just means that she likes herself. And personally, I don’t wanna live in a world where any girl with healthy self-esteem is labeled a whore…”

“Sometimes we can convince ourselves that pointing out flaws in others makes us feel good, but ultimately, those moments of pleasure are fleeting. In the long run, they get you in the habit of looking for flaws in everyone, including yourself.”

“Hating people is stressful. Negativity is tiring. Causing drama is dumb.”

…. and to wrap it all up:

“Here’s the thing—the horribly, eye-rollingly cheesy thing: no one can be a better version of yourself than you. And becoming the best possible example of your you-ness does not include focusing on how much you dislike another person.”


9 thoughts on “GIRL HATE: You Are Not in Competition, And You’re Missing Out

  1. AMEN! It’s articles like this and blogs like yours that shine a spotlight on behaviors we weren’t consciously aware of, but were gnawing away at our and others’ happiness. I think this line of yours is incredibly insightful: “…upon getting a chance to actually know one another, would get along and perhaps flourish a friendship.” That’s SO true. And this line from the article you referenced: “‘You probably feel a little threatened by her because you two are so similar, but you’re afraid she’s an even better version of you.'”

    I admit that I’ve been on both sides of the fence. In the beginning of 9th grade, there was a girl who trashed me to the entire 9th grade class – just because I was the girlfriend of this boy who she wanted to be with. She even told others that she wanted to beat me up after school as soon as she got the chance. A few weeks later, she surprised me approached me at my locker. She nervously said, “I don’t really want to beat you up, ok? That was a lie.” Suddenly, she sounded like the scared one. Nevertheless, that was big of her. I also admit that after all of those threats, I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. Negativity was breeding more negativity. Luckily, she ended it before either of us made a mistake we’d regret. Many times, I’ve dissected qualities about other girls and got caught up in all this hate and jealousy. You’re right – I was incredibly insecure about myself. My immature behavior only made me *temporarily* feel better about myself. At the end of the day, I still felt awful about myself.

    The key is building self-worth. Easier said than done of course, but it’s the truth. When you’re genuinely secure and feel good about yourself, no one can make you feel crappy about yourself. Plus, it’s so much easier to appreciate others’ successes and good qualities. For example, instead of hating a woman you don’t even know because you think they look better in a dress than you do, you end up thinking to yourself, “Oooh, that’s a great dress – she’s really rocking that look today.” Therefore, positivity makes you feel good – you project it to others – they feel positive about themselves – and it gets passed on again.

    What an excellent lesson, Jaime. Now, this issue can be in the forefront of everyone’s minds. Keep spreading the positivity! 😀

  2. Thanks for this . I really REALLY needed it today. I notice every job I have there is always someone who makes me feel like shit, when all I’m doing is MY JOB. I’m preforming tasks that are asked of me, which includes being on time, etc. There is always one person who does not like me for whatever reason, it’s awful. This whole post is so true… these girls are never going to change, there is always going to be jealousy and people bringing negativity to our lives when we don’t do anything wrong! You are the best. Thanks for being so genuine and reminding people it’s okay to be yourself, and you shouldn’t settle for any less. ❤

    • I’m struggling with the fact that we can talk about these things, how awful they are and how sad they are, yet still carry them out. I’ve been called fat/chubby/ugly as an easy insult by other women, the same women who bemoan “societies beauty standards making young girls try to live up to an ideal”…. um, what?! I think it takes a lot… A LOT… for sure to be aware of our judgements and choices. And really try to be aware of what we do. Phew, okay, just venting a little! 🙂

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