I woke up this morning wrapped in blankets, boyfriend, and cat. Content, cozy.
But once I had my wits about me the flood of everything I have to do today hit me hard, and I became physically uncomfortable. My brain started planning, allotting time slots to each task, grasping for organization. My heart began beating faster as I wondered if there was even enough time in the day (“no” I concluded), and I felt helpless before my feet had even hit the floor.
I’ve become a lot better at working through anxiety, but sometimes it still amazes me how I can go from “Everything is great!” to “I am doomed!” so quickly.
I am writing this now – taking time up from one of my precious time slots mentioned above, reserved for another task that is important to complete – and realized that without a moment of clarity and calm I absolutely wouldn’t get anything else done. Or not done well. As I type this, I am fighting the voice in my head saying “You are wasting time!”.
I am trying to sink into this morning moment. Putting on an album, straightening up the kitchen so I have a beautiful clean slate tonight when I make dinner. Enjoying the last of my favorite coffee before I take a walk tomorrow to the shop to buy a new bag. Savor my leftovers from dinner last night – who say’s you can’t eat spicy thai food for breakfast? – and breathe and soak in each of these things, being in the moment.
In the last year I have some to really embrace the sometimes eye-roll inducing, corny self-help stuff. I love it. I absorb it whenever possible, because I think even if you can’t buy into the fact that we may be earth goddesses seeking our path to a divine plan that manifests when we wish it (or whatever), the foundation of those things help at times like this.
So now I’m at the kitchen table with the windows open, feeling a slight breeze and looking at the way the sun fills my house with light. I am thankful for my home that has everything I need and so much more. The coffee is good and warm.
And more importantly, my mental state has shifted from anxious to excited. Everything I need to work on today is something I am honored to be a part of – all the writing projects are things I believe in, that support community, and are things I would desire to do if I wasn’t already doing them (and I get to go to a really fun media-only event in an hour!). The food orders I am having a hard time keeping up with are the biggest, most wonderful blessing to me. It’s truly the very best “problem” I could have as a new business owner. And because someone really procrastinated on finishing her taxes (ahem), I can think about what I will get back from them in a few weeks and how it will come at exactly the perfect time to invest in my business.
Today I am going to work hard and all the while be thankful I am able to do what I love to do.